Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.

Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter someone offering a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on treating intimacy issues.